Return to Self Is a Journey, Not a Destination
I used to think returning to myself was something I would eventually arrive at.
Like a destination. Like a healed, upgraded version of me waiting on the other side of enough inner work, enough discipline, enough fixing. I believed that if I just did the right modalities, asked the right questions, stayed consistent enough, I would finally get there.
This year taught me something very different.
This year taught me that returning to self is not a destination. It is a journey. And sometimes it is a journey you do not choose so much as one you are forced into.
When I Thought Something Was Wrong With Me
For a long time, I believed something was fundamentally wrong with me. That I needed to be healed.
And so I set out on a healing journey. Or rather, I was pushed into one by chronic migraines that lasted weeks on end.
These were not the migraines people usually imagine. Not sharp flashes of pain or light sensitivity that came and went. Mine lived in the back of my head, like a brick constantly pressing against my skull, pushing on my nerves. Relentless. Unmoving. Always there.
I tried everything. And spent thousands of dollars in the process.
Meditation.
Guided DI.
Activations.
Therapy.
Self care rituals.
Massages.
Chiropractic adjustments.
Deep muscle sound wave therapy.
Days completely offline.
Pain medications. You name it.
Nothing helped.
I was exhausted. Dizzy. Nauseous. In pain. Desperate for relief.
When Fear Took Over
As a cancer survivor, my mind went to the worst places. MRIs. Bloodwork. CT scans. ER visits. Again and again.
And every time, I was sent home with no answers.
Everything looks normal.
Eventually, the unspoken message became clear. There is nothing wrong with you.
But there was.
Being repeatedly turned away left me feeling like I was crazy. Like my symptoms were not real. Like I could not trust my own body or my own experience.
Anxiety crept in quietly and then all at once.
When I had a migraine, it triggered an anxiety attack.
When I did not have one, I lived in constant fear of the next one coming.
My nervous system was never at rest. I was scared all the time even though I did not consciously believe I was unsafe.
Listening Instead of Fixing
It was not until I stopped trying to fix my body and started listening to it that things began to shift.
Really listening. Not asking how do I make this stop
But instead what are you trying to tell me
That is when the inner work took on a completely different meaning.
I returned to To Be Magnetic, work I had done for years, but this time not from a mindset of optimization or manifestation. I paired it with activations by Mimi Bouchard and learned Journalspeak through Nicole Sachs’ book Mind Your Body.
And something finally clicked.
I realized my body was not broken.
It was overwhelmed
And in a constant state of fight or flight.
It was holding fear, grief, self doubt, and unprocessed trauma I had never fully allowed myself to face.
I needed to retrain my nervous system to feel safe.
The interesting thing is I did not think I felt unsafe. On the outside my life looked stable. I was functioning. I was capable. I was strong.
But my body knew the truth long before my mind did.
The Safety I Did Not Know I Needed
This year taught me that safety is not just physical.
It is emotional.
It is subconscious.
It is the ability to trust yourself.
To trust your body.
To trust that you do not have to live in survival mode.
As I began facing my internal fears, fear of uncertainty, fear of letting go, fear of disappointing others, fear of slowing down, my symptoms softened.
Not all at once. Not magically. But enough that I could breathe again.
Enough that my body felt heard.
Enough that I could feel myself coming home.
Trusting the Path
When things feel scary, uncertain, or unsafe, this year taught me to trust the path God has set for me even when I do not understand it.
Especially when I do not understand it.
When you listen to yourself and I mean really listen and honor what you need, there comes a moment where you realize why you had to go through what you did.
Not because it was deserved.
Not because it was a punishment.
But because it was a return.
Home, Not Healed
I no longer believe I am something to be fixed.
I am not healed in the way I once imagined healing to look. I still have moments of discomfort. I still have fear. I still have to choose myself again and again.
But I am home.
Home in my body.
Home in my nervous system.
Home in the truth that returning to self is something I will do many times in this life.
Home to feel safe.
And now I know that leaving myself does not mean I have failed. It simply means I get to come back softer, wiser, and more honest than before.
This year taught me that returning to self is not about arriving somewhere new.
It is about remembering who you were before you learned to be afraid.
An Invitation
If there is one thing I hope you take from this, it is this.
Do not be afraid to look within.
The body is not betraying you. It is communicating with you. And when you are willing to listen, to face the subconscious fears, emotions, and patterns you have been carrying, something profound happens.
The inner work is never just about feeling better inside. As you shift your internal state, your nervous system, and your sense of safety, the outside world begins to respond. Your relationships, opportunities, health, and material life start to match your frequency.
You do not have to force it.
You do not have to chase it.
When you come home to yourself, the rest follows.